


Don't save me, stop me

by mythicalbi



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, LIKE A LOT OF ANGST, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2015-10-03
Packaged: 2018-04-24 12:34:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4919767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mythicalbi/pseuds/mythicalbi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He sat strapped to a chair with heavy handcuffs on either side to keep him in place. He could easily break out of them if he wanted, his metal arm was strong enough to punch through walls therefore breaking the chains on his wrists should be as easy as breathing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't save me, stop me

**Author's Note:**

> It's late at night and Im tired so I'm sorry if this is absolute shit

The metal was biting into his human hand. The walls surrounding him were grey and boring to look at. There were no windows; the only source of light was a tiny ceiling light. He sat strapped to a chair with heavy handcuffs on either side to keep him in place. He could easily break out of them if he wanted, his metal arm was strong enough to punch through walls therefore breaking the chains on his wrists should be as easy as breathing. However Bucky decided against it, he didn’t want any more trouble, and he was tired. Tired of running and hiding, tired of stealing and sneaking around, tired of not knowing who he is and everything he’s done. He thought that maybe the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents that captured him, or more like he let capture him, would have some answers that would help him figure out why every time he closes his eyes he sees a man, Steve, with a panicked look on his face and wind blowing through his hair as he reaches out his hand to him whilst yelling Bucky’s name. He figured he would be the only person that could help him figure out who is James Buchanan Barnes, mostly referred to as “Bucky”.

The heavy door opposite him opened with a loud groan and in walked a huge man with short black hair and a mean look on his face. After him walked in two guards with their guns aimed at Bucky. The door shut closed behind them and Bucky heard a click of the lock. He made eye contact with the mean looking fella that walked in first, he wasn’t afraid of him but he was starting to get annoyed as he felt his time was about to be wasted by the guy.

“What do you want?” Bucky grunted out. The guy strode up to his chair and looked down on him,

“I want to make you pay, Winter Soldier” He said. A huge and rather creepy smile broke out on his face. Bucky simply stared at him.

“You have any idea how much damage you’ve done? All the guys out there are telling me you’re some sort of fucking victim but I see right through you. You’ve destroyed S.H.I.E.L.D. and you’ve destroyed more lives that I can count and they want me to what? Give you a pat on the back and some hot coco? That ain’t gonna happen. “  
He stared at Bucky maintain the eye contact as he took out his gun. Bucky shifted slightly in his seat which caused the guard to take a step forward. Bucky thought about breaking out of the hold and knocking them all out before they could even process what’s happening but decided against it. The guy was kind of right, he did kill many people and caused a lot of chaos; he deserved to die more than anyone in this world. So Bucky just relaxed in his seat and watched the guy aim the gun at his head. He took a deep breath in and…

The door busted open. It was Steve with that horrified look on his face again. He always looked like that whenever Bucky seemed to be in some kind of danger, like that one time when he-

Bucky shook himself out of the memory, he couldn’t get lost in his thought at a moment like this. He saw the second Steve realized what was going on and the emotions on his face shifted to anger.

“Get out” He hissed out staring at the guy holding his gun to Bucky’s head.

“Captain, I –“

“I said, get out” Steve got right in his face in a blink of an eye. He took hold of his uniform and dragged him out ignoring the man’s confused yelling. The guards shared a look unsure if they should leave as well before silently agreeing to leave before Steve drags them out as well. Steve slammed the door shut behind them. He walked up to Bucky and crouched in front of his chair, his eyes frantically looking him up and down to make sure he was ok or maybe because he never thought he’d see him again.

“Bucky,” He whispered, “Are you… um, are you alright? That, I’m sorry about that guy, he’s getting fired tonight” Steve run a hand through his hair, he was clearly nervous. Bucky wanted to comfort him, he wanted to grab his shoulder and smile and tell him to stop worrying, he wanted to hug him close for as long as Steve would let him. Instead Bucky just stared.

Steve sighed and a pained look came over his face.

“Do you even remember who I am?” He asked quietly.

_Yes_. Bucky wanted to say. _Yes, I do. You’re Steve, You’re my Steve. I remember when we first met when we were six; I remember meeting your mother and her being so excited she invited me over because she was so happy her son had a friend. I remember your smile and your laugh and that look you’d get in your eyes whenever I told you your drawing were better than the ones in all the fancy museums. I remember the first time I kissed you and you tasted like bitter coffee and felt so soft and incredibly nice against my lips I never wanted to kiss anyone else after that._

But Bucky said none of that. In fact he said nothing at all and simply nodded curtly without really looking at Steve. He couldn’t say those things to Steve because he didn’t even remember them until three seconds ago. Simply being in the same room as Steve made all kinds of sweet and happy memories come back and Bucky didn’t want. He hated them as soon as they appeared. He didn’t deserve them, after all the things he has done he deserved pain and misery, not images of Steve looking sleepily at him and smiling before leaning in for a kiss. If he told Steve, the idiot would get all hopeful and think they could go back to the way they used to be. Before war. He’d want to stay with Bucky and make him remember all those horrible nice things, he’d want to kiss again someday, and he’d want to make him happy which is something Bucky won’t allow to happen.

He couldn’t put Steve through all the pain and heartbreak that surely awaits him if Bucky were to stay. He didn’t want Steve to feel guilty or sad or angry about all the things that Bucky went through. He wanted him to move on with his life, to be happy and free of the burden that is James Barnes. So he stayed quiet and watched as Steve, the person that haunts his every dream, stood up and examined the handcuff attached to Bucky’s hands.

“Does it hurt?” Steve asked looking at the tight hold of the cuffs on his flesh arm. Bucky shrugged.

“I’m gonna get the key, I’ll be right back” Said Steve, already walking towards the door.

Bucky wanted to tell him that it’s unnecessary, that he can break out of the hold himself but seemed to lose his voice the moment Steve barged in so he once again, stayed quiet.

Steve was gone for about five minutes. When he came back there was a key in his hand and a pleased look on his face.

“Got it” He said and went to uncuff Bucky. When he was done he threw and handcuffs across the room and stepped back to give Bucky some room, expecting him to stand up.

Bucky stayed seated. A few moments passed before Steve coughed awkwardly,

“Do you wanna maybe get out of here? This room, I mean. We could go somewhere and talk?”

That was exactly was Bucky didn’t want. If they started talking Bucky would remember more of those happy moments with Steve. He’d get attached to him and wouldn’t be able to leave. He couldn’t talk. He had to make Steve go away. All of a sudden he didn’t want to remember who he was, he was better off not knowing.  
He stayed silent and unmoving. Steve rubbed his neck,

“You could tell me what you remember?” He prompted. That was Bucky’s chance; he took a steady breath in and forced himself to speak,

“I don’t remember much”

“That’s okay!” Steve rushed, “I can fill in the gaps, we can work it out together. Let me help you, Bucky” After a beat he added, “Please.”

Bucky shook his head.

“I don’t want your help, Captain Rogers” He grumbled.

Steve visibly flinched at that, “You can call me Steve, you know” He said, so quietly Bucky barely heard him. He started fiddling with his hands, a nervous habit of his, something he used to do a lot in church whenever the priest would talk about the sin that is two guys being with each other like a guy should be with a lady.  
Bucky grimaced at the memory; he tried to think of something to say when a voice coming from the door interrupted him,

“Rogers, just what do you think you’re doing?” Fury did not sound happy. Bucky narrowed his eyes at him, he was sure he killed him.

Steve turned to face him and gestured at where Bucky was still sitting, “I was just-“

“Stepping outside to talk to me. Now.” Fury interrupted him. Steve glanced at Bucky, a clearly apologetic look in his eyes before he stepped outside.

Bucky saw that as a great opportunity to escape. He stood up and stretched before grabbing the knife hidden in his boot. He slowly opened the door, trying to be as quiet as possible. Steve and Fury were arguing a few feet away from him, too busy to notice Bucky slipping out of the room and climbing down the nearest window.

He ran for hours, he had a lot of agents to lose. Luckily, his serum improved body could take it without getting too tired.

After some time has passed Bucky hid behind some dumpsters to get some rest. Logically he knew he had to get away from Steve, being near him made him vulnerable and weak, it made him remember things that brought nothing than more guilt about all the things he’s done. He also didn’t want Steve to get his hopes up about Bucky. He wants Steve to forget about him and give up trying to find him which is something Steve has been doing ever since he pulled him out of the water. Bucky was sure leaving was better for the both of them.

And yet, a small part of him felt bad for doing that to Steve. A tiny part of him wanted to stay and is now screaming for Bucky to go back. He forced himself to ignore it.

He got back up and started walking away. He had no idea where he was going. He was back on the run again, back to hiding and sneaking around. But he can take it now, if it means Steve moving on and finding someone that could actually make him happy Bucky could hide for centuries without complaining even once. He regretted letting himself get caught. He regretted not thinking about how Steve would feel seeing him. It was selfish of Bucky to focus on what he wanted and not on the people he’s hurt. He won’t make that mistake again, he will never let himself be happy. Which means he will never see Steve again.

_Good_ , he thought to himself, _that’s a good thing_.

He was comfortable with his choice, he knew it was the right thing to do, he knew that was the only way to help Steve. However knowing all that didn’t stop his heart from feeling like it was being ripped into tiny little pieces and then scattered all along the sidewalk. He felt his cheeks becoming wet and realized there were tears spilling out of his eyes.

_Good_ , he thought, _I deserve that_.

His pace quickened and he walked until he physically couldn’t do it for any longer. That night he dreamt of blue eyes, a kind smile, and laughter muffled by soft kisses. When he woke up his heart ached even more.

 

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> If you've somehow managed to read through it, thank you! I hope you enjoyed it!  
> Consider leaving me a comment to tell me what you thought if you want


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